Counseling Services Direct Newsletter

November-December 2009

Sobriety and Relationships

Welcome to Counseling Services Direct for Marriage and Family Therapy. Sobriety is related to relationship wellness from the standpoint that any substance or behavior that alters consciousness impacts perception and interactions with others in the environment. Sobriety is a necessary component to a functional well balanced relationship; it assumes a state of awareness that encourages one to be present. Engaging in behaviors that alter a mind that is present will tend to encourage disproportional excess; such as excessive alcohol use, excessive substance use, sexual addiction, and over-spending, which is an example of the many different ways that individuals keep themselves from being sober and present in their relationships. This is also referred to as using exits in relationships; individuals do this in romantic partnerships as well as with family members. Exits are initially conscious ways to escape from directly interfacing with ones environment and then become unconscious reactions. The individual adapts patterns that maintain the status quo regardless of the long term negative effects; the primary concern is avoiding. Therefore, recognizing and resolving the use of exits or any other form of avoidance will increases the possibility for sobriety and relationships wellness. I would like to encourage you to reflect more upon this subject matter and ask you to consider the following ways to help become less avoidant and more present in all of your relationships.
 

• Move away from automatized responses to the relationships in your environment and engage in conscious effortful behaviors. (Ex: practice mindfulness and focus on appraising your situation in the present to engage in problem focused coping and regulating distress).
• Practice stress management to adapt to external environmental demands. (Ex: focus on the triggers that promote emotional, and behavioral distress by assessing the situation and learning the skills to effectively  handle the relationship). 

The previous list of techniques are important to provide you with the foundation to help you to have healthy relationships for both couples and families. I hope this information has been helpful and has awakened your awareness of  the value they hold in providing a strong foundation for the health of your relationships.

"Encouraging growth to improve and sustain positive relationships"

Contact us at Counseling Services Direct for Marriage Counseling and Family Therapy and get started today: (O) 516-484-2829 or (C) 914-960-2723.

Fondly,
Stacey Chernin, M.A., LMFT, CFT

References: Monat, A. & Lazarus, R. (1991). Stress and Coping. An Anthology. Columbia University Press. New York.
 
October 2009

Relational Problem Solving

Welcome to Counseling Services Direct for Marriage and Family Therapy. Relational problem solving is basic to all forms of life and is conceptually a description of the way in which  individuals in various relationship settings access resources to solve problems. This information can be applied to social colonies in nature where a form of negotiation and problem solving is necessary to resolve tension, conflict and make decisions. Problem solving is to a degree an instinctual gift that is inherent in our structure, which is more apparent in lower life forms. Naturally we are provided with a biologcal, genetic, and physiological internal structure that is the necessary foundation to improve upon and aquire problem solving skills through social and environmental interaction. The etiology of resolving problems can be traced back to the type of modeling we were exposed to by our primary care givers in childhood and adolelscence. By adulthood we have a set of developed problem solving resources that we can use to address problems that require a felt sense of emotional, psychological, and physical resolution. During adulthood there is an oppurtunity to learn  new skills which may be more conscious, adaptive, and functional then those that were modeled in a possibly not so healthy setting, though the positve ones may  be retained and build upon. I would like to encourage you  to reflect more upon this subject matter and ask you to consider the following  ways to engage in healthy relational problem solving. 
 

• Engage in the art of encouargement by emphaszing the positive aspects of a situation that can lend itself to techniques that strengthen and improves the individuals sense of self as well as the couple or family system as a whole. (Ex: use techniques such as affirming instead of discounting which will help to build optimism and openness that increase the likelyhood that behaviors are more adaptive and effective to improve upon the situation.)
• Addressing resistence to change by cooperating and fostering the unfolding of denial by implementing strategies that encourage the use of negotiating skills and compromise. (Ex: implementing a technique such as contracting for results will facilitate focusing on problems while lowering resistance and having a clear positive direction to address obstacles with a defined clear goal that is explicit and realistic).   

The previous list of skills are important to provide you with guidance to help build healthy problem solving into your relationships for both couples and families. I hope this information has been helpful and has awakened your awareness of  the value they hold in providing a strong foundation for the health of your relationships.

"Encouraging growth to improve and sustain positive relationships"

Contact us at Counseling Services Direct for Marriage Counseling and Family Therapy and get started today: (O) 516-484-2829 or (C) 914-960-2723.

Fondly,
Stacey Chernin, M.A., LMFT, CFT

References: Sherman, R., Oresky, P., & Rountree, Y. (1991). Solving Problems in Couple and Family Therapy. Techniques and Tactics. Brunner/Mazell.

September 2009

Family Patterns

Welcome to Counseling Services Direct for Marriage and Family Therapy. Pattens are prevelant in most activities of life, including the transition from one season to the next. Patterns provide the ability to understand our phyiscal and emotional environment. It is difficult for us to ignore when the colder weather sets in and we have to begin to make certain altercations in our daiy routine to account for these shifts. Family structures also follow a natural order and include a strong emotional component too. The pattens adapted by families help them to sustain themselves, however certain forms can be maladaptive and dysfunctional to the health of its members. The well being of a family system as a whole is dependent on adapting functional ways in which to adjust and cope with life cycle issues through the course of its equinox to its solstice, assimilating and accomidating from the cooler/darker moments to warm/ brighter ones. I would like to encourage you  to reflect more upon this subject matter and ask you to consider the following ways to consider adapting healthy patterns into your family and relationships.

• Facilitate change in your relationship patterns by considering different ways in which to interact with significant others. (Ex: restructure the family system by changing family rules, and establishing new alignments and patterns which originally encouraged maladaptive behaviors).
• Consider techniques to change patterns in the family structure. (Ex: setting new boundaries, and reframing by relabeling the problem, reconsidering the previous held evaluations of the sitiuation).
• Stop avoiding and address the chronic conflict  in the family structure. (Ex: unbalance the status-quo by not repeating the same dysfunctional patterns and begin to adapt and consider making modifications by becoming aware that the problem does not belong to the individual alone rather to the whole family).

The previous list of strategies are important for adapting healthy patterns for both couples and families. I hope this information has been helpful and has awakened your awareness of  the value they hold in providing a strong foundation for the health of your relationships.

"Encouraging growth to improve and sustain positive relationships"

Contact us at Counseling Services Direct for Marriage Counseling and Family Therapy and get started today: (O) 516-484-2829 or (C) 914-960-2723.

Fondly,
Stacey Chernin, M.A., LMFT, CFT

References: Goldenberg, I. & Goldenberg, H. (2004). Family Therapy. An Overview. Brooks/Cole-Thomson Learning. Pacific Grove, CA.
August 2009

Relationship Mindfulness 

Welcome to Counseling Services Direct for Marriage and Family Therapy. Summer is winding down, and at the end of a session today  I acknowledged with a client that it is already the middle of the month and the autum is shortly going to begin to present its subtle changes. These seasonal differences appear to suddenly come upon us, only truly noticing these transitions when we slow down our minds enough to cultivate a more acute state of consciousness. Humans by nature both on an individual and interpersonal level appear to be invested in an ongoing preconscious contemplation of the past and future, with little resource allotted to the present moment. I would like to encourage you to reflect more upon this subject matter and slow down to focus on the present moment and consider the following ways to cultivate mindfulness into your relationships.
 

• Apply concentration, imagination, observation, location, and association. (Ex: allocate 10 minutes each day to meditate in a quiet space and begin to strengthen your mental faculties to improve the ability to focus). 
• Evaluate interactions and establish deeper impressions. (EX: explore the patterns and features in your intellectual and emotional environment).
• Discover the senses and open up to your perceptual field by incorporating stratagies to increase your awareness of the self, the other, and the self in relation to the other. (EX: notice relevant stimuli that evoke a strong central point of connection).

The previous list of suggestions are important to provide you with guidance to help build mindfulness into your relationships for both couples and families. I hope this information has been helpful and has awakened your awareness of  the value they hold in providing a strong foundation for the health of your relationships.

"Encouraging growth to improve and sustain positive relationships"

Contact us at Counseling Services Direct for Marriage Counseling and Family Therapy and get started today: (O) 516-484-2829 or (C) 914-960-2723.

Fondly,
Stacey Chernin, M.A., LMFT, CFT

References: O' Brien, D. (2000). Learn to Rememer. Practical Techniques and Exercises to Improve Your Memory. Duncan Baird Publishers (Chronicle Books).   San Francisco, CA.

July 2009

Trust

Welcome to Counseling Services Direct for Marriage and Family Therapy. Today as I look outside the window I see a small bird land on the ledge and he/she appears to be looking for a place to nest and begin a mutual cohabitation and family system. So as I sit here before the keyboard and begin to consider the importance of  trust, I reflect on how all different types of species emulate the same types of bonding behaviors and relational systems that we do as humans. When I  consider this reflection more broadly I begin to formulate this sense from both a personal and clinical standpoint that  trust is not only a psychological need, but also is hardwired into our biology, and genetic structure.  Trust is a central component in social bonding as well as for the maintenance of healthy interpersonal functioning.  I would like to encourage you  to reflect more upon this subject matter and ask you to consider the following ways of building trust into your own relationships.

• Communicate intentions clearly and openly (Ex: establish a common understanding around each individuals expectations of the social situation). 
• Display of trustworthy behaviors (Ex: demonstrate a willingness to honor the words, actions, and decisions of significant others).  
• Increase coperation through sharing and problem solving (Ex: practice using conflict resolution skills). 
• Manage intensity and emotional reactivity (Ex: learn to diffuse anger, frustration, or disappointment through empathy building).

The previous list of techniques are important to provide you with guidance to help build trust into your relationships for both couples and families. I hope this information has been helpful and has awakened your awareness of  the value they hold in providing a strong foundation for the health of your relationships.

"Encouraging growth to improve and sustain positive relationships"

Contact us at Counseling Services Direct for Marriage Counseling and Family Therapy and get started today: (O) 516-484-2829 or (C) 914-960-2723.

Fondly,
Stacey Chernin, M.A., LMFT, CFT

References: Lewicki, RoyJ. and Edward C. Tomlinson. "Trust and Trust Building." Beyond Intractability. Eds. Guy Burgess and Heidi Burgess. Conflict Research Consortium, University of Colorado, Boulder. Posted: December 2003. 
June 2009

Communication

Welcome to Counseling Services Direct for Marriage and Family Therapy. Summer has arrived and the days begin to get longer, warmer, and the sun is brighter. A time of awakening and starting new. With this in mind I would like to present ways in which you may consider learning new skills to talk and share information, feelings, and thoughts with your partner, and other family members. Communication seems so simple, yet we often stumble with the way in which we express ourselves to those around us. I would like to encourage and awaken your thoughts on this subject matter and give you some effective new ways of communicating in your relationships.
 

• Using "I" statements helps one to take responsibility for their experience of the situation (Ex: "I Feel"). While "You" statements encourage reactivity and defensive behaviors from other(s).
• Using "Validation" suggests that you are using reflection when listening to the other(s). On the other side of validation is to ignore or to misinterpret feelings and words (Ex:. "being told something was said or felt when it was not").
• Using "Editing" is a useful way to mentally rehearse a conversation (Ex: "Focusing on the topic").
• Using "Timing" to effectively communicate (Ex: "setting aside a certain amount of time for discussion).

The previous list of skills are important for communication for both couples and families. I hope this information has been helpful and has awakened your awareness of  the value they hold in providing a strong foundation for the health of your relationships.

"Encouraging growth to improve and sustain positive relationships"

Contact us at Counseling Services Direct for Marriage Counseling and Family Therapy and get started today: (O) 516-484-2829 or (C) 914-960-2723.

Fondly,
Stacey Chernin, M.A., LMFT, CFT References: Weeks, G.R., & Treat, S.R. (2001). Couples in Treatment. Techniques and Approaches for Effective Practice. Brunner-Routledge. New York, NY.